when they say that "nobody is perfect", they really do mean it. it embraces a profound truth i that never really realized 'till now .. and even now, i feel that it's just beginning to sink in - on the surface and not yet plummeting deep.
i used to think it was just a cliche phrase that served as a general disclaimer for all our worldly stumbles and mistakes. "nobody's perfect" so forgive me for my faults, forgive me for all the times and ways i've hurt you. "nobody's perfect" so it's perfectly excusable for me to compromise what i once thought was right and alternate at my own whim, what right and wrong really is. "nobody's perfect" so i can console myself wholeheartedly with my shortcomings and shove all the blame anywhere, so long as it's away from myself.
it's logical to ask then, if nobody's perfect, then why even try to better yourself? indulge, be the ideal epitome of what you've always wished to be? nobody's perfect, so efforts gone to vain - training all for a victorious loss, appeals in exchange for blatant denial.
but i think that's precisely what i'm missing; a motivation to achieve without reward, a drive without pushing will, an attempt without support. why is it so human to want something in return? true, "give and take" surely keeps the world spinning on its axis, but maybe after all, it's okay to do and not receive anything back. to give myself and not expect acknowledgment.
i need to come to terms with the fact that it's okay to come away empty-handed, sometimes even when you initially arrived with arms over brimming in possession. walk in championing your treasure - everything you can't imagine living without - come out with nothing. are you okay with being depleted, with being a vacant wasteland of the tangible? honestly, i struggle so much with that.
i've avoided it longer than i would have liked; i've turned my head and told myself it can wait, it will inevitably take care of itself, that i have tomorrow, the day after that, next week, next month to come to terms. how foolish to think that a tangled, rotten mess would untangle itself without prompting or contribution at the very least.
it's time to face it, head on .. with the comfort in knowing that i'm truly not the only one who feels this way. thank you carolyn and eden for opening my blind eyes and helping me understand this crazy parallelism - you who i thought was absolutely perfect, 360 degrees all around. i felt ten steps behind everyone who i looked up to, as if i was the most pathetic of the ignited worship leaders i knew, especially inside and behind the scenes. it was discouraging to the utmost when i measured myself in comparison.
but "nobody's perfect" - all too real now; i could never have fathomed the similarity in our .. frozenness, in the way we feel. still though, a strange gut feeling tells me that we'll never reach a point where we want to be, where we could say we have a real, selfless desire for God. if we ever did, we could claim His spot right away, so i guess that's just part of the separation that comes hand in hand with desire. nobody bridges the gap aside from Him, even if we ourselves would like so much to cross the bridge single-handedly and claim all the "fire", yet lacking sincere intentions at heart.
unbelievably alone, but even more unbelievably together .. please hunger and thirst and struggle alongside me in this second half of the battle.
About Me
- Tiffany
- Perhaps what lacks undergoing cannot be embraced. On her own as her only, asking neither pity nor grace. Adrift, astray, missed the last train of today, but lift your chin little girl. Soon enough, bright ahead the sun wakes, again dares to show face.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
blurred
i guess it's safe to say i'm allergic to ignorance, to half-hearted belief, to knowing without fully understanding, to assumption without justification. i've always found conformity irritating. i don't believe a person should be bounded by the ideals of others because self-discovery is limitless; you can't draw borders around something that was meant to grow, and expect the borders to remain intact.
i try so hard to define myself, to individualize . . . but there are always those days where i wonder if all the things i've invested my heart and soul in will matter, ten years from now. matter in the slightest. might i not even remember why i exert my whole being into them?
ten years from now, will it really matter what university i ended up attending? how successfully i may have killed GREs, law board exams, PhD dissertations? how fully and frequently i lived in carnal pleasure during short-lived high shcool and college years?
to be completely honest with myself, i am sick and tired of not knowing WHY i do what i now do. seriously, it nauseates me how i don't have the answers to this. if i do end up taking the SATs again just to get a higher score, who the hell am i ultimately trying to please? my parents vs. myself - i could care less if it goes up 40 or 50 points. and knowing my parents, nothing will ever be good enough. nothing deserves praise or warrants the least bit of encouragement that i do.
it's okay though, because i've learned to depend solely on myself for drive; if you're lucky, someone holds your hand through every raindrop or crazy blunder you encounter, and if you're not, you learn to be your own source of love. sooner or later, you're bound to realize that the only one who can and deserves to live your life is you.
but then again, if you're the only one wielding absolute power over your situation, what fuels today's actions eventually exhausts itself into extinction, before you know it. then, why be motivated for anything? i know for sure that my tank runs on E more than half the time; don't know about you, but it's draining to the point of numbness. you'd maybe say, i'm speaking in terms of nihilism at it's rawest and most vulnerable. but i'd say, this is where that crazy concept of friendship comes into play . . .
recently, on another late night car ride home from piano, i had one of the deepest most intense conversations with my dad. i was telling him how frustrated i was with relationships in general. how to maintain relationships that i value, how to let go of relationships that fail to build either side up, and how to choose the right ones to begin with. he told me something that i will never forget:
"if it's one thing that i've learned about true friendships, the kind worth fighting for, is that my only real friend is the one that, if i were to die tomorrow, i could go to today, and look him in the eye and ask him to take care of my family. and i know he would do it. he would take care of you, Julia, and Dustin like his own. he would make sure you have food to eat every day, that you get the things you want, that you go to college where you want. he would treat and love you like his own because i can no longer do that. he would fill in the rest of my vacant life as father and provider. and i don't have even a doubt in my mind that he wouldn't do it, with all his heart."
his words chisel into me because i never asked myself if i would doo that for someone. if i were married and already had a family one day, and my best friend told me to take care of her family after she died, would i really do it? treat her kids like my own and genuinely care with all sincerity i can muster, to do that?
my conclusion is that when it comes to it, you are only as good as the love you have for others. if all else fails to show you life is meaningful - like right now in my life, the studying and working and repeating and cycling and monotony and pressure and lack of fun - count on real friendship to guide you home. when all is lost and fuzzy beyond recognition, i've got you and you've got me (: kick my ass back in line when i can't even count on myself.
look up and see the sun; gravity pushes down equally on everyone. you can't escape it, even if you imagine that you do. but i guess we all like to daydream once in a while.
i try so hard to define myself, to individualize . . . but there are always those days where i wonder if all the things i've invested my heart and soul in will matter, ten years from now. matter in the slightest. might i not even remember why i exert my whole being into them?
ten years from now, will it really matter what university i ended up attending? how successfully i may have killed GREs, law board exams, PhD dissertations? how fully and frequently i lived in carnal pleasure during short-lived high shcool and college years?
to be completely honest with myself, i am sick and tired of not knowing WHY i do what i now do. seriously, it nauseates me how i don't have the answers to this. if i do end up taking the SATs again just to get a higher score, who the hell am i ultimately trying to please? my parents vs. myself - i could care less if it goes up 40 or 50 points. and knowing my parents, nothing will ever be good enough. nothing deserves praise or warrants the least bit of encouragement that i do.
it's okay though, because i've learned to depend solely on myself for drive; if you're lucky, someone holds your hand through every raindrop or crazy blunder you encounter, and if you're not, you learn to be your own source of love. sooner or later, you're bound to realize that the only one who can and deserves to live your life is you.
but then again, if you're the only one wielding absolute power over your situation, what fuels today's actions eventually exhausts itself into extinction, before you know it. then, why be motivated for anything? i know for sure that my tank runs on E more than half the time; don't know about you, but it's draining to the point of numbness. you'd maybe say, i'm speaking in terms of nihilism at it's rawest and most vulnerable. but i'd say, this is where that crazy concept of friendship comes into play . . .
recently, on another late night car ride home from piano, i had one of the deepest most intense conversations with my dad. i was telling him how frustrated i was with relationships in general. how to maintain relationships that i value, how to let go of relationships that fail to build either side up, and how to choose the right ones to begin with. he told me something that i will never forget:
"if it's one thing that i've learned about true friendships, the kind worth fighting for, is that my only real friend is the one that, if i were to die tomorrow, i could go to today, and look him in the eye and ask him to take care of my family. and i know he would do it. he would take care of you, Julia, and Dustin like his own. he would make sure you have food to eat every day, that you get the things you want, that you go to college where you want. he would treat and love you like his own because i can no longer do that. he would fill in the rest of my vacant life as father and provider. and i don't have even a doubt in my mind that he wouldn't do it, with all his heart."
his words chisel into me because i never asked myself if i would doo that for someone. if i were married and already had a family one day, and my best friend told me to take care of her family after she died, would i really do it? treat her kids like my own and genuinely care with all sincerity i can muster, to do that?
my conclusion is that when it comes to it, you are only as good as the love you have for others. if all else fails to show you life is meaningful - like right now in my life, the studying and working and repeating and cycling and monotony and pressure and lack of fun - count on real friendship to guide you home. when all is lost and fuzzy beyond recognition, i've got you and you've got me (: kick my ass back in line when i can't even count on myself.
look up and see the sun; gravity pushes down equally on everyone. you can't escape it, even if you imagine that you do. but i guess we all like to daydream once in a while.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
blind acceptance
i've never wondered the way i'm wondering now .. i've never doubted the way i'm doubting now. maybe it's because in the past, i never took the time to take a step back - look in from any perspective besides my own - ignorance? i can't say that doubt has never crossed my mind, but right now it's hitting me head-on, full force. i know well, already, that a lot will regard this as a "stage" or "phase" in every Christian's path of faith - perhaps an ongoing struggle that never entirely ceases; never fully overcome. but i am so scared that the more i think and the more i poke at the holes, this foundation beneath me will crumble to ashes and everything that i have rooted my life in, for the past four years, will all be lost in a vain upheaval. i know i think too much for my own good .. but what's the point of not thinking, given the fact that i have a brain/intellect at my disposal? where does one draw that ever so fluctuating line between faith in what cannot be seen, versus blindly accepting everything one is told as true, holy, pure, and God-glorifying?
sometimes, i find it so profound. that i am .. inside my own body, looking out through my eyes and seeing the people around me. i wonder if they wonder the same way i do - the thought of looking out into everything surrounding them and realizing how amazing it is that they can see others, but cannot see themselves. we need mirrors to see ourselves, but can so easily see and judge those around us. i wonder if it's all too good to be true, if it's one gigantic nightmare or daydream, depending on the days and moods. i wonder if i'm not alone in this, you can call it, insane, endeavor to find my own truth. to each man his own.
"He replied, 'You of little faith, why are you so afraid?' Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm." - Matthew 8:26
times like these demand from us leaps of faith. endless, boundless, almost infinitely crazy leaps.
sometimes, i find it so profound. that i am .. inside my own body, looking out through my eyes and seeing the people around me. i wonder if they wonder the same way i do - the thought of looking out into everything surrounding them and realizing how amazing it is that they can see others, but cannot see themselves. we need mirrors to see ourselves, but can so easily see and judge those around us. i wonder if it's all too good to be true, if it's one gigantic nightmare or daydream, depending on the days and moods. i wonder if i'm not alone in this, you can call it, insane, endeavor to find my own truth. to each man his own.
"He replied, 'You of little faith, why are you so afraid?' Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm." - Matthew 8:26
times like these demand from us leaps of faith. endless, boundless, almost infinitely crazy leaps.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
up & up
luckily, i don't feel any older, wrinklier, or crustier. nevertheless, inside i do feel a tremendous push to grow and start living. for once, i am completely content to be where i am, choosing the people i want to love, and spending my every waking hour doing what i'm doing. i hope i'm closer to finding myself, getting by with help from people who actually care. you never really realize how blessed you are to be you, just as you are, until you see how much grace has been poured and exhausted on you - just to make you realize the rawness and realness of his masterpiece in the making.
i hope i gain more wisdom, REALLY. cause i'ma fooooo'. no joke .. it usually feels like world war III; battle of my conscience vs. whatever i actually want to do. i hope to learn and put myself in the brightest of brightly lit places (:
yesterday is not quite what it could've been
as were most of all the days before
but i swear today, with every breath i'm taking in
i'll be trying to make it so much more
cuz it seems i get so hung up on
the history of what's gone wrong
that the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see
and though i'm finally catching onto it
yeah, the past is just a conduit
and the life at the end is where i'll be
cuz i'm on the up & up, i'm on the up & up,
and i haven't given up, given up on what i know i'm capable of
there's nothing left to prove
cause i'm trying to be a better version of me, for You
i'm just trying to be a better version of me, for You
may the vision of You be the death of me
i hope i gain more wisdom, REALLY. cause i'ma fooooo'. no joke .. it usually feels like world war III; battle of my conscience vs. whatever i actually want to do. i hope to learn and put myself in the brightest of brightly lit places (:
yesterday is not quite what it could've been
as were most of all the days before
but i swear today, with every breath i'm taking in
i'll be trying to make it so much more
cuz it seems i get so hung up on
the history of what's gone wrong
that the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see
and though i'm finally catching onto it
yeah, the past is just a conduit
and the life at the end is where i'll be
cuz i'm on the up & up, i'm on the up & up,
and i haven't given up, given up on what i know i'm capable of
there's nothing left to prove
cause i'm trying to be a better version of me, for You
i'm just trying to be a better version of me, for You
may the vision of You be the death of me
Friday, June 27, 2008
such the love
when clouds veil sun and disaster comes, oh my soul
when waters rise and hope takes flight, oh my soul
oh my soul, oh my soul
my skin is calloused, thick - inside and out. i've spent so much time letting the dead layers accumulate that i've reached the point where it just starts peeling off by itself - i didn't even ask it to, i don't think i genuinely want it to. but it can't stand my neglect and ignorance anymore. it seems like i always have to hit rock-bottom in order to see anything clearly.
even though i'm surrounded by bounds upon bounds of great people who really care about me, i've always felt really alone. every weekend i look forward to seeing you guys, look forward to the laughs and the warmth. but i still feel alone - not lonely, because loneliness is marked by the want of another person, whereas alone-ness is just, well, me myself and i. i have a hitlist of people i could talk to about virtually anything, but i barely do anymore. sometimes now i purposefully put myself in secluding situations, just to be away from the crowd - as alone as possible, though i know it only makes me feel worse. i feel like i set myself aside because i'm dissatisfied with where i am, and searching for something. alone in some strange fight - for what? looking for .. Who? in the back of my head, that voice screams at me it's God you're looking for. you won't stop running 'till you've got your arms wrapped around Him and actually want to love Him, for once. yet time after time, i blow Him off, fearing to lose what i foolishly believe this world could "offer" me.
but what sparkles more brilliantly than His blood? i still vividly remember how undeserving and redeemed i felt, when the reality of this blood first set in .. august before 8th grade. for days on end, i would always pray in the form of apologies - apology after apology after apology until i drained my entire being of apologies. now, my apologies to God are meager and weak, actually, non-existent to be truthful. talk about an ever-fleeting passion ..
where'd You go? but the better question to ask is - where did i go? although i felt tested at times during the last two years, i was never pushed to the extreme edge, where i just wanted to drop everything i loved and charge back. i was never forced to face myself and what i have become. yet the ironic thing is that the entire time, i knew that if i wanted to go back, He would not have turned his glance away, He would not have slammed the door shut in my face, He would never forsake - even me, one who had already long forsaken Him.
"Oh God, I don’t love you, I don’t even want to love you, but I want to want to love you"
is the one most amazing thing about grace that it is infinite? never-ever-ever-ever-ending. googleplex times ten. maybe one of the reasons why i'm so scared to come back is that my being can't possibly grasp God's infinite grace. i can't begin to comprehend why He would want to offer such an overflowing supply of that which i least deserve. nothing about it makes sense -- God must be out of his mind. but, connect the dots, that must mean He's out of His mind in love with me; isn't that what i've always wanted? someone to lose their mind because they're so madly in love with me? admittedly, i guess it's really been here all along.
i'm standing on the edge of me
i'm standing on the edge of everything i've never been
the past five days of vbs have awakened me - suprisingly, there were no miraculous "signs", nor did i particularly feel God breathing through and around me ... it was the polar opposite. i felt the lack of God in my life, the lack of that pure joy in me which i saw in my kids. i was almost jealous of their joy - "Jesus saved me! whoopee!" - you could tell their hearts were smiling, no fake smiles. like dropping ice cubes into a glass of orange juice in sticky, hot weather, this week has sparked inside me a thirst. a longing to be by His side again - if not by His side, then at least running and turning towards it. His "orange juice" will never expire - all perfect, almighty grace.
it's a wonder He hasn't struck me down with lightning for so long. from now on, my promise will carry weight and mean. mean something - at this point, anything is better than this wholesome nothingness. i hate feeling hypocritical inside, even if to not a soul observable. so many times, going onstage to lead worship was such a tortuously self-condemning cycle - who am i to lead anyone into God's presence when i can barely muster the courage to show my face in His light?
you are not the only one, who feels like the only one
night soon will be lifted, friend, just be quiet and wait for the voice that will say
come awake from sleep, arise
you were dead, become alive
wake up, wake up, open your eyes
climb from your grave, into the light
bring us back to LIFE
we're all "alone", figuratively. alone in trying to reach God, in trying to get ourselves to want to reach God, in trying to get ourselves to even give God a second thought, 5 minutes of our day. just one breath out of every thousand breaths He has given us. i hope to still feel alone, but surrounded at the same time. surrounded by the thought of us all in a struggle - or, an eventual triumph - to reel in ourselves towards God's line. in the end, it won't matter that i felt incredibly alone. i think i was too consumed with how alone and forlorn a turnaround would be, but all that will matter is that my heart is as right with God as it can be - i want to be molded and stretched beyond limits imaginable to my naivete.
oh, the glory of it all ..
when waters rise and hope takes flight, oh my soul
oh my soul, oh my soul
my skin is calloused, thick - inside and out. i've spent so much time letting the dead layers accumulate that i've reached the point where it just starts peeling off by itself - i didn't even ask it to, i don't think i genuinely want it to. but it can't stand my neglect and ignorance anymore. it seems like i always have to hit rock-bottom in order to see anything clearly.
even though i'm surrounded by bounds upon bounds of great people who really care about me, i've always felt really alone. every weekend i look forward to seeing you guys, look forward to the laughs and the warmth. but i still feel alone - not lonely, because loneliness is marked by the want of another person, whereas alone-ness is just, well, me myself and i. i have a hitlist of people i could talk to about virtually anything, but i barely do anymore. sometimes now i purposefully put myself in secluding situations, just to be away from the crowd - as alone as possible, though i know it only makes me feel worse. i feel like i set myself aside because i'm dissatisfied with where i am, and searching for something. alone in some strange fight - for what? looking for .. Who? in the back of my head, that voice screams at me it's God you're looking for. you won't stop running 'till you've got your arms wrapped around Him and actually want to love Him, for once. yet time after time, i blow Him off, fearing to lose what i foolishly believe this world could "offer" me.
but what sparkles more brilliantly than His blood? i still vividly remember how undeserving and redeemed i felt, when the reality of this blood first set in .. august before 8th grade. for days on end, i would always pray in the form of apologies - apology after apology after apology until i drained my entire being of apologies. now, my apologies to God are meager and weak, actually, non-existent to be truthful. talk about an ever-fleeting passion ..
where'd You go? but the better question to ask is - where did i go? although i felt tested at times during the last two years, i was never pushed to the extreme edge, where i just wanted to drop everything i loved and charge back. i was never forced to face myself and what i have become. yet the ironic thing is that the entire time, i knew that if i wanted to go back, He would not have turned his glance away, He would not have slammed the door shut in my face, He would never forsake - even me, one who had already long forsaken Him.
"Oh God, I don’t love you, I don’t even want to love you, but I want to want to love you"
is the one most amazing thing about grace that it is infinite? never-ever-ever-ever-ending. googleplex times ten. maybe one of the reasons why i'm so scared to come back is that my being can't possibly grasp God's infinite grace. i can't begin to comprehend why He would want to offer such an overflowing supply of that which i least deserve. nothing about it makes sense -- God must be out of his mind. but, connect the dots, that must mean He's out of His mind in love with me; isn't that what i've always wanted? someone to lose their mind because they're so madly in love with me? admittedly, i guess it's really been here all along.
i'm standing on the edge of me
i'm standing on the edge of everything i've never been
the past five days of vbs have awakened me - suprisingly, there were no miraculous "signs", nor did i particularly feel God breathing through and around me ... it was the polar opposite. i felt the lack of God in my life, the lack of that pure joy in me which i saw in my kids. i was almost jealous of their joy - "Jesus saved me! whoopee!" - you could tell their hearts were smiling, no fake smiles. like dropping ice cubes into a glass of orange juice in sticky, hot weather, this week has sparked inside me a thirst. a longing to be by His side again - if not by His side, then at least running and turning towards it. His "orange juice" will never expire - all perfect, almighty grace.
it's a wonder He hasn't struck me down with lightning for so long. from now on, my promise will carry weight and mean. mean something - at this point, anything is better than this wholesome nothingness. i hate feeling hypocritical inside, even if to not a soul observable. so many times, going onstage to lead worship was such a tortuously self-condemning cycle - who am i to lead anyone into God's presence when i can barely muster the courage to show my face in His light?
you are not the only one, who feels like the only one
night soon will be lifted, friend, just be quiet and wait for the voice that will say
come awake from sleep, arise
you were dead, become alive
wake up, wake up, open your eyes
climb from your grave, into the light
bring us back to LIFE
we're all "alone", figuratively. alone in trying to reach God, in trying to get ourselves to want to reach God, in trying to get ourselves to even give God a second thought, 5 minutes of our day. just one breath out of every thousand breaths He has given us. i hope to still feel alone, but surrounded at the same time. surrounded by the thought of us all in a struggle - or, an eventual triumph - to reel in ourselves towards God's line. in the end, it won't matter that i felt incredibly alone. i think i was too consumed with how alone and forlorn a turnaround would be, but all that will matter is that my heart is as right with God as it can be - i want to be molded and stretched beyond limits imaginable to my naivete.
oh, the glory of it all ..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)