such the love

when clouds veil sun and disaster comes, oh my soul
when waters rise and hope takes flight, oh my soul
oh my soul, oh my soul

my skin is calloused, thick - inside and out. i've spent so much time letting the dead layers accumulate that i've reached the point where it just starts peeling off by itself - i didn't even ask it to, i don't think i genuinely want it to. but it can't stand my neglect and ignorance anymore. it seems like i always have to hit rock-bottom in order to see anything clearly.

even though i'm surrounded by bounds upon bounds of great people who really care about me, i've always felt really alone. every weekend i look forward to seeing you guys, look forward to the laughs and the warmth. but i still feel alone - not lonely, because loneliness is marked by the want of another person, whereas alone-ness is just, well, me myself and i. i have a hitlist of people i could talk to about virtually anything, but i barely do anymore. sometimes now i purposefully put myself in secluding situations, just to be away from the crowd - as alone as possible, though i know it only makes me feel worse. i feel like i set myself aside because i'm dissatisfied with where i am, and searching for something. alone in some strange fight - for what? looking for .. Who? in the back of my head, that voice screams at me it's God you're looking for. you won't stop running 'till you've got your arms wrapped around Him and actually want to love Him, for once. yet time after time, i blow Him off, fearing to lose what i foolishly believe this world could "offer" me.

but what sparkles more brilliantly than His blood? i still vividly remember how undeserving and redeemed i felt, when the reality of this blood first set in .. august before 8th grade. for days on end, i would always pray in the form of apologies - apology after apology after apology until i drained my entire being of apologies. now, my apologies to God are meager and weak, actually, non-existent to be truthful. talk about an ever-fleeting passion ..

where'd You go? but the better question to ask is - where did i go? although i felt tested at times during the last two years, i was never pushed to the extreme edge, where i just wanted to drop everything i loved and charge back. i was never forced to face myself and what i have become. yet the ironic thing is that the entire time, i knew that if i wanted to go back, He would not have turned his glance away, He would not have slammed the door shut in my face, He would never forsake - even me, one who had already long forsaken Him.

"Oh God, I don’t love you, I don’t even want to love you, but I want to want to love you"

is the one most amazing thing about grace that it is infinite? never-ever-ever-ever-ending. googleplex times ten. maybe one of the reasons why i'm so scared to come back is that my being can't possibly grasp God's infinite grace. i can't begin to comprehend why He would want to offer such an overflowing supply of that which i least deserve. nothing about it makes sense -- God must be out of his mind. but, connect the dots, that must mean He's out of His mind in love with me; isn't that what i've always wanted? someone to lose their mind because they're so madly in love with me? admittedly, i guess it's really been here all along.

i'm standing on the edge of me
i'm standing on the edge of everything i've never been

the past five days of vbs have awakened me - suprisingly, there were no miraculous "signs", nor did i particularly feel God breathing through and around me ... it was the polar opposite. i felt the lack of God in my life, the lack of that pure joy in me which i saw in my kids. i was almost jealous of their joy - "Jesus saved me! whoopee!" - you could tell their hearts were smiling, no fake smiles. like dropping ice cubes into a glass of orange juice in sticky, hot weather, this week has sparked inside me a thirst. a longing to be by His side again - if not by His side, then at least running and turning towards it. His "orange juice" will never expire - all perfect, almighty grace.

it's a wonder He hasn't struck me down with lightning for so long. from now on, my promise will carry weight and mean. mean something - at this point, anything is better than this wholesome nothingness. i hate feeling hypocritical inside, even if to not a soul observable. so many times, going onstage to lead worship was such a tortuously self-condemning cycle - who am i to lead anyone into God's presence when i can barely muster the courage to show my face in His light?

you are not the only one, who feels like the only one
night soon will be lifted, friend, just be quiet and wait for the voice that will say
come awake from sleep, arise
you were dead, become alive
wake up, wake up, open your eyes
climb from your grave, into the light
bring us back to LIFE

we're all "alone", figuratively. alone in trying to reach God, in trying to get ourselves to want to reach God, in trying to get ourselves to even give God a second thought, 5 minutes of our day. just one breath out of every thousand breaths He has given us. i hope to still feel alone, but surrounded at the same time. surrounded by the thought of us all in a struggle - or, an eventual triumph - to reel in ourselves towards God's line. in the end, it won't matter that i felt incredibly alone. i think i was too consumed with how alone and forlorn a turnaround would be, but all that will matter is that my heart is as right with God as it can be - i want to be molded and stretched beyond limits imaginable to my naivete.

oh, the glory of it all ..