blind acceptance

i've never wondered the way i'm wondering now .. i've never doubted the way i'm doubting now. maybe it's because in the past, i never took the time to take a step back - look in from any perspective besides my own - ignorance? i can't say that doubt has never crossed my mind, but right now it's hitting me head-on, full force. i know well, already, that a lot will regard this as a "stage" or "phase" in every Christian's path of faith - perhaps an ongoing struggle that never entirely ceases; never fully overcome. but i am so scared that the more i think and the more i poke at the holes, this foundation beneath me will crumble to ashes and everything that i have rooted my life in, for the past four years, will all be lost in a vain upheaval. i know i think too much for my own good .. but what's the point of not thinking, given the fact that i have a brain/intellect at my disposal? where does one draw that ever so fluctuating line between faith in what cannot be seen, versus blindly accepting everything one is told as true, holy, pure, and God-glorifying?

sometimes, i find it so profound. that i am .. inside my own body, looking out through my eyes and seeing the people around me. i wonder if they wonder the same way i do - the thought of looking out into everything surrounding them and realizing how amazing it is that they can see others, but cannot see themselves. we need mirrors to see ourselves, but can so easily see and judge those around us. i wonder if it's all too good to be true, if it's one gigantic nightmare or daydream, depending on the days and moods. i wonder if i'm not alone in this, you can call it, insane, endeavor to find my own truth. to each man his own.

"He replied, 'You of little faith, why are you so afraid?' Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm." - Matthew 8:26

times like these demand from us leaps of faith. endless, boundless, almost infinitely crazy leaps.