i've never wondered the way i'm wondering now .. i've never doubted the way i'm doubting now. maybe it's because in the past, i never took the time to take a step back - look in from any perspective besides my own - ignorance? i can't say that doubt has never crossed my mind, but right now it's hitting me head-on, full force. i know well, already, that a lot will regard this as a "stage" or "phase" in every Christian's path of faith - perhaps an ongoing struggle that never entirely ceases; never fully overcome. but i am so scared that the more i think and the more i poke at the holes, this foundation beneath me will crumble to ashes and everything that i have rooted my life in, for the past four years, will all be lost in a vain upheaval. i know i think too much for my own good .. but what's the point of not thinking, given the fact that i have a brain/intellect at my disposal? where does one draw that ever so fluctuating line between faith in what cannot be seen, versus blindly accepting everything one is told as true, holy, pure, and God-glorifying?
sometimes, i find it so profound. that i am .. inside my own body, looking out through my eyes and seeing the people around me. i wonder if they wonder the same way i do - the thought of looking out into everything surrounding them and realizing how amazing it is that they can see others, but cannot see themselves. we need mirrors to see ourselves, but can so easily see and judge those around us. i wonder if it's all too good to be true, if it's one gigantic nightmare or daydream, depending on the days and moods. i wonder if i'm not alone in this, you can call it, insane, endeavor to find my own truth. to each man his own.
"He replied, 'You of little faith, why are you so afraid?' Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm." - Matthew 8:26
times like these demand from us leaps of faith. endless, boundless, almost infinitely crazy leaps.
About Me
- Tiffany
- Perhaps what lacks undergoing cannot be embraced. On her own as her only, asking neither pity nor grace. Adrift, astray, missed the last train of today, but lift your chin little girl. Soon enough, bright ahead the sun wakes, again dares to show face.
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i've actually never thought about that; the fact that we exist in a body like this, to see through eyes and hear through ears. It's an intriguing thought that actually makes my head spin now that I think about it.
ReplyDeletesometimes, i feel like one day i'll wake up and it'll be one huge dream i've been having, and that my life is totally different from the way it is now, and that there is no God, no Jesus and nothing to save us. I know its a depressing, scary thought and it probably doesn't help you lol. sorry about that.
i hope you find your answers darling. i'm still praying for you. I hope school goes alright.
fear, in whatever form, will always restrict us into living smaller lives and limit our dreams, joys, passions. and i hate to say it but christians are most afraid of one thing: thinking.
ReplyDeleteyeah thinking is scary. it can make you see how wrong you are. but it also make you understand how right things are and that understanding is key.
you know i've always wondered how other people see the world. i wondered so hard. and of course, all you can do is wonder because the only time i've ever looked at people differently was when i took a look at the world from God's eyes.
and that changed everything i ever knew or called certain.
oh tiffany,
ReplyDeletei'm not sure exactly what's going on in your life right now, but personally, i think it's good to have doubt and to really question what you believe. because if you didn't, what do you believe anyways? i think it's good to search for answers and to look deep within so that you'll truly discern what's right and what's wrong. in the end, i'm praying and hoping that you'll grasp onto God's goodness. i'm hoping that you find what you're looking for. it's scary, but you'll pull through and really find what it is you're seeking because you are so determined and diligent.
i'm praying for you, love.
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