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i guess it's safe to say i'm allergic to ignorance, to half-hearted belief, to knowing without fully understanding, to assumption without justification. i've always found conformity irritating. i don't believe a person should be bounded by the ideals of others because self-discovery is limitless; you can't draw borders around something that was meant to grow, and expect the borders to remain intact.

i try so hard to define myself, to individualize . . . but there are always those days where i wonder if all the things i've invested my heart and soul in will matter, ten years from now. matter in the slightest. might i not even remember why i exert my whole being into them?

ten years from now, will it really matter what university i ended up attending? how successfully i may have killed GREs, law board exams, PhD dissertations? how fully and frequently i lived in carnal pleasure during short-lived high shcool and college years?

to be completely honest with myself, i am sick and tired of not knowing WHY i do what i now do. seriously, it nauseates me how i don't have the answers to this. if i do end up taking the SATs again just to get a higher score, who the hell am i ultimately trying to please? my parents vs. myself - i could care less if it goes up 40 or 50 points. and knowing my parents, nothing will ever be good enough. nothing deserves praise or warrants the least bit of encouragement that i do.

it's okay though, because i've learned to depend solely on myself for drive; if you're lucky, someone holds your hand through every raindrop or crazy blunder you encounter, and if you're not, you learn to be your own source of love. sooner or later, you're bound to realize that the only one who can and deserves to live your life is you.

but then again, if you're the only one wielding absolute power over your situation, what fuels today's actions eventually exhausts itself into extinction, before you know it. then, why be motivated for anything? i know for sure that my tank runs on E more than half the time; don't know about you, but it's draining to the point of numbness. you'd maybe say, i'm speaking in terms of nihilism at it's rawest and most vulnerable. but i'd say, this is where that crazy concept of friendship comes into play . . .

recently, on another late night car ride home from piano, i had one of the deepest most intense conversations with my dad. i was telling him how frustrated i was with relationships in general. how to maintain relationships that i value, how to let go of relationships that fail to build either side up, and how to choose the right ones to begin with. he told me something that i will never forget:

"if it's one thing that i've learned about true friendships, the kind worth fighting for, is that my only real friend is the one that, if i were to die tomorrow, i could go to today, and look him in the eye and ask him to take care of my family. and i know he would do it. he would take care of you, Julia, and Dustin like his own. he would make sure you have food to eat every day, that you get the things you want, that you go to college where you want. he would treat and love you like his own because i can no longer do that. he would fill in the rest of my vacant life as father and provider. and i don't have even a doubt in my mind that he wouldn't do it, with all his heart."

his words chisel into me because i never asked myself if i would doo that for someone. if i were married and already had a family one day, and my best friend told me to take care of her family after she died, would i really do it? treat her kids like my own and genuinely care with all sincerity i can muster, to do that?

my conclusion is that when it comes to it, you are only as good as the love you have for others. if all else fails to show you life is meaningful - like right now in my life, the studying and working and repeating and cycling and monotony and pressure and lack of fun - count on real friendship to guide you home. when all is lost and fuzzy beyond recognition, i've got you and you've got me (: kick my ass back in line when i can't even count on myself.






look up and see the sun; gravity pushes down equally on everyone. you can't escape it, even if you imagine that you do. but i guess we all like to daydream once in a while.