knowing is half the battle

when they say that "nobody is perfect", they really do mean it. it embraces a profound truth i that never really realized 'till now .. and even now, i feel that it's just beginning to sink in - on the surface and not yet plummeting deep.

i used to think it was just a cliche phrase that served as a general disclaimer for all our worldly stumbles and mistakes. "nobody's perfect" so forgive me for my faults, forgive me for all the times and ways i've hurt you. "nobody's perfect" so it's perfectly excusable for me to compromise what i once thought was right and alternate at my own whim, what right and wrong really is. "nobody's perfect" so i can console myself wholeheartedly with my shortcomings and shove all the blame anywhere, so long as it's away from myself.

it's logical to ask then, if nobody's perfect, then why even try to better yourself? indulge, be the ideal epitome of what you've always wished to be? nobody's perfect, so efforts gone to vain - training all for a victorious loss, appeals in exchange for blatant denial.

but i think that's precisely what i'm missing; a motivation to achieve without reward, a drive without pushing will, an attempt without support. why is it so human to want something in return? true, "give and take" surely keeps the world spinning on its axis, but maybe after all, it's okay to do and not receive anything back. to give myself and not expect acknowledgment.

i need to come to terms with the fact that it's okay to come away empty-handed, sometimes even when you initially arrived with arms over brimming in possession. walk in championing your treasure - everything you can't imagine living without - come out with nothing. are you okay with being depleted, with being a vacant wasteland of the tangible? honestly, i struggle so much with that.

i've avoided it longer than i would have liked; i've turned my head and told myself it can wait, it will inevitably take care of itself, that i have tomorrow, the day after that, next week, next month to come to terms. how foolish to think that a tangled, rotten mess would untangle itself without prompting or contribution at the very least.

it's time to face it, head on .. with the comfort in knowing that i'm truly not the only one who feels this way. thank you carolyn and eden for opening my blind eyes and helping me understand this crazy parallelism - you who i thought was absolutely perfect, 360 degrees all around. i felt ten steps behind everyone who i looked up to, as if i was the most pathetic of the ignited worship leaders i knew, especially inside and behind the scenes. it was discouraging to the utmost when i measured myself in comparison.

but "nobody's perfect" - all too real now; i could never have fathomed the similarity in our .. frozenness, in the way we feel. still though, a strange gut feeling tells me that we'll never reach a point where we want to be, where we could say we have a real, selfless desire for God. if we ever did, we could claim His spot right away, so i guess that's just part of the separation that comes hand in hand with desire. nobody bridges the gap aside from Him, even if we ourselves would like so much to cross the bridge single-handedly and claim all the "fire", yet lacking sincere intentions at heart.

unbelievably alone, but even more unbelievably together .. please hunger and thirst and struggle alongside me in this second half of the battle.