for better or for worse

.. I’d still have you first.

There’s some things you can never forgive yourself for, never stop regretting, never stop remembering.

The world feels pretty empty. My mind feels empty, my soul feels empty. My hope feels empty. You could see it as a good thing - light as a feather, no maybes, no worries, no expectation. Or you could see it as a bad thing - empty to the point of blankness, of forgetting what makes you smile and losing what you once thought you couldn’t live without. Empty to the point of disposable, useless .. and yet, you could care less.

I don’t know where I’m headed anymore, and these few weeks have taken a bulldozer to my original plans and hopes for the future. Why wake up in the morning when all you do is confront another day full of passing - passing faces, passing classes, passing time, passing yourself on by without even realizing it, yet going through the motions regardless. I look in the mirror and wonder who that girl is. Bags beneath her eyes from lack of sleep and worry wrinkles that can’t be erased by a million Alpha-Hydroxy treatments. She doesn’t even try to look pretty anymore - there’s nobody to impress, not even herself. In the end, she still comes home every day to her bed and takes a nap to forget about the stillness of life, how trapped she feels amongst these cyclic, crashing tidal waves of boredom.

I have yet to find what fuels me, what makes life more than an apathetic masquerade. I have yet to find what makes me more than just another child, clutching onto cotton candy for dear life, on a hollow merry-go-round.