lifeline

It saddens me, it really does. I just want to reach out to you - grab both of your hands and clench them tightly in mine, clench them as tight as I can in hopes of showing you how much I care; what I wouldn't give for you to find yourself, to save you from your lifestyle of stumbling blindly in the dark. Look you in the eyes, those glossy, lost eyes screaming for a second chance, but just can't seem to gaze in the right direction. Eyes that turn to temporary outlets of pleasure, momentary euphoria conveniently replacing the broken reality of your insecurity, your past failures, and the failures you fear tomorrow will bring. You find it easier to shove real life on the back-burner than to confront it, because I know the truth hurts more when you're in constant denial.

A pretty face, a sweet smile, and a graceful heart - what's not to love? But it's all been lost beneath coarse layers of what you think the world expects of you. Don't you see that you no longer have anyone's respect? Where is the girl I once knew? The one who once eagerly told me of her hopes and dreams for the future, the one whose head lifted dignity upon elegant shoulders, the one whose heart bred passion rather than vulnerability? Are you so easily fooled, so easily taken advantage of? Childhood is over; I wish you could see that there's no time left for compromise, for lowering your standards to excuse impulsive mistakes, for indulgence to smother individuality.

A display of public humility; the exhibit that's oblivious to her own disgrace, so much that others feel embarrassed for you because you don't feel embarrassed for yourself. Yet you continue to embrace the flocks of fake attention. Attention that comes and goes, but never sticks around for the right reasons. Sure, they love your flaunting, but they don't love you; they don't see anything beyond your skin and flesh. Whatever happened to security through self-respect?

There's more to life than living it up - when you lose sight of love and it's place in your every day, you're getting nowhere. I hope you find yourself again, because until you do, your head will still spin with the pain of being the disposable one, your heart will be trampled over by games and manipulation, you'll still ask yourself every night why you're alone even though you gave him your all, and you'll still let traitors take charge of a life that is rightfully yours. But I promise to be your lifeline, no matter how far you stray away. When you reach your dead-end, when you run empty from exhaustion, I promise to be the first one to help you start over.

At the end of the day, without direction, you're no more able to love another person than you are able to first love yourself.

decency

Please have some. Don't let the emotional dictates of someone else control you; don't let vulnerability be the death of identity and focus. Just because you're happy doesn't mean you're supposed to let go of priorities. Carry yourself like you always say you will: a posture that fluctuates with purpose rather than impulse. Posture that reflects direction, even when the prospects seem often foggy. Dignity and self-respect over the wretched hole of pity. You're more than that, in fact, everybody deserves more than that. To be told and to fiercely believe in human willpower; don't let the second and third guesses trail your paths, cling to your ankles, gnawing at your conscience. Let their merciless stares drown in their own hatred; after all, hatred is the most exhausting of emotions and it eventually self-destructs.

Just a note to self, another constant reminder for accountability purposes, and of course, this tender thing they call self-preservation.

automatic engimatic ..

You come and go like the mist. I never see you or feel you anymore, but somehow when you come around, it’s an imperceptible, barely tangible feeling. Yet it clouds my vision and cools me down, pauses my life for a moment and brings me back to the same thoughts as always. Where are you? Your life in pictures? Your thoughts locked in a box? Your secrets and seclusion - why? Is it easier for you not to tell anyone anything than to spend the effort telling, even if it means alienating the people who know you best? And how “well” is “best” - does anyone really know you? Side 1 or 2. What are you?

I wonder all the time.

perhaps i should take my own advice

So the assignment in Creative Writing today was to give advice to your young self, pretending that you’re old and wrinkly 50 years from now. I kind of had an epiphany .. not necessarily the greatest self discovery, but at least it’s something to work on.

My dear, stop wishing for a time machine. A time machine to take you forwards, to take you backwards. To take you anywhere but here and now – today. Why is the past pulling you apart, stronger than your passion for the present? And why do the coming months matter more than the current month? Tiffany – you will get nothing out of your absent-minded existence; start living for now, and stop worrying. You think life is a cycle, a vicious one, at that. A cycle that drains you of vitality, takes away the pulse of your dreams. Sure, you are a far-sighted girl; you see the future clearly and the direction you want to go. You also see the past and acknowledge that it has molded you into who you are today. But you never see your current identity, the one that is constantly evolving, opportune to change – thirsting for change. Your lukewarm lifestyle of simply going through the motions will never satisfy you, no matter how much you look forward to the future. The future will soon become the present, and if you continue living this way, you will always find yourself empty-handed, wondering to where the possibilities fled, always one step ahead, a thin grasp away. Don’t simply peer through glossy eyes, observing the world and never participating. Dive in, thrust your soul into the seas of diversity and exploration – stop wishing and start living. A half-hearted mentality will get you nowhere in life, regardless of intellect or talent. What is human life without its breath? – all kinds of breath, the kind gasping for air, on the verge, the kind deeply inhaling a clean breeze, even the kind barely noticeable, light crests and troughs: the breath of a night’s peaceful sleep. Do not blink your eyes and gaze around with a blank stare, without truly breathing.